Tales from the Trail

The other day, SweetPea was driving home with MonkeySee, when he asked her "What's dentistry?"

MonkeySee, being 13 years old, should damn well know what dentistry is, so SweetPea was, understandably, a little confused.

He explained that he had seen a kid at school wearing an Oregon Trail tshirt with a picture of a wagon train and the caption "You have died of..."

"OH." Says SweetPea. "Do you mean dysentery?"

We were regaled of this story tonight at dinner, and spent the remainder of the evening accusing each other of having dentistry. Because, you know. That's how we roll.

In slightly less scintillating news, yes, it's been a whole damn week since I've blogged OMFG what's wrong with me?

Mostly just not having enough loosey goosey access to the computer. I'd blame it on our fascinating and hectic lives, but, while that's totally true (kind of), huge chunks of my time seem to have disappeared since I discovered and have become absorbed in the Women of the Otherworld series. I feel like I should be ashamed to admit that, but the books are totally engaging and, you know what else? They totally back me up that you can write a novel from a narrative perspective and have it work and work well.

And thank goodness for that because... Um...

Oh.

No reason.

No reason at all.

Paying Attention

So we were watching Get Smart, and there's that part towards the beginning when The Boss tells Max that Max is too good at what he does, and The Boss can't afford to promote him and lose him.

We paused the movie and I told the Monkeys that if anyone ever tells them that, it's time to get the hell out and get the promotion elsewhere.

And then MonkeyDo says "Like you did?"

Gotta love a girl who pays attention.

Family Portrait Outtakes

Not Quite

MonkeyDo: "I'm on chapter vee one."
SweetPea: "Honey, that's chapter six."

An Actual Update! What?

Oh, what a long, strange week it's been.

First, let me apologize for the blog pretty much going offline. Maybe I needed a break. Most assuredly I was having some issues formulating thoughts in such a manner as made them postable in a public venue. I mean, one should only use the term "cockwhore" so many times on a "family" blog.

Heh.

On Friday we went out on what was supposed to be a group adventure. Ghost Hunter had invited a friend that she thought might dig Chief. That alone was no big deal. What turned into a big deal was when Ghost Hunter shanghaied the attentions of both Neighbor and Chief and turned our group adventure into a double date. With staff. Which I thought was totally uncool on multiple levels, and SweetPea and I ended up heading home pretty early that night.

For Saturday, we had multiple event possibilities. Chief had invited us rafting on the river and Ghost Hunter was having a bbq and had invited us along. I was on the rag, and figured that cloth pads + sitting in water = not a good time. SweetPea really wanted to go rafting, though, so I insisted she go. I got everything ready for her and kicked her ass out the door in plenty of time to meet up with Chief and her crew of miscreants kids and their friends. SweetPea took the only running vehicle to do this, which was fine by me. I planned on spending the entire day being lazy, less than sober, and not even kind of leaving the house.

This, of course, meant that not one of us was heading to Ghost Hunter's bbq. I got a text message from Neighbor about it at one point, and I told her that SweetPea was on the river with Chief, and I had no intention on leaving the house. From that point, I didn't hear anything from either Neighbor or Ghost Hunter, and I don't think anyone else did, either. At least not until Tuesday, when I think they both realized that nobody had been in contact with them for days. So they started text messaging SweetPea and Chief, trying to get the scoop. From what I understand, both were asking question after question, but not answering any. Ooh, bad form!

Of course, neither had the nads to try me. SweetPea says it's because they both know that I'm not afraid of confrontation. SweetPea and Chief would both rather avoid it as much as possible. Now, I really don't think there's anything there that needs confronting or causing an argument. I think we just feel that, right now, Neighbor and Ghost Hunter need some space to get their relationship going and to get it on an even keel. Once things have smoothed out, the things between the group should get closer to back to normal. And, also, friendships are two-way streets. If you miss someone, or haven't seen them in a few days when you ordinarily see them every day, you can call to check in, see what's up, how ya doing, I miss you. That's part of friendship. Not maintaining radio silence and then launching an assault on the people least likely to tell you that you've been an asshole and that's why nobody's talking to you.

In still other other news, I am totally not looking forward to back to school night tomorrow, wherein I get to spend 45 minutes sitting in a classroom with the reason I resigned from PTA. Much like Neighbor and Ghost Hunter, though, I'm pretty damn sure she's too chicken shit to try to start shit with me. She prefers talking about me behind my back, because then I can't tell her to her face what a two-faced, backstabbing, controlling, martyr bitch she is.

Woops!

There I go with the cussing again.

Just $2.99 For the First Minute

A few months ago, MonkeyDo and I were having this chat. I don't even remember what she said, but the following exchange occurred:

Me: Are you psychic?
MonkeyDo: Yup! And I can read your mind!

Just a minute ago, Neighbor called to say that MonkeyDo was heading home to get matches for the grill. When she turned up, I opened the door and handed her a box, as she was telling me what she came for.

MonkeyDo: How'd you know?
Me: Because I'm psychic. And I can read your mind!
MonkeyDo: I'm gonna tell Momma!

Monkey Do

This is in response to the daily question, right before she gets dropped off for school, "What kind of day are we going to have?"

PS:

WineDog, to answer your algebra question, it appears Monkey See may just not be mathematically inclined.

"It doesn't make any sense to me. If you take the percentage for one-third and multiply it by three, you get .999, but the calculator says 1. But that's not correct."

Monkey See is, however, appearing to be very summer school inclined.

Good Girl

Instead of taking a nap, I'm going on walkies.

ETA:

Total mileage: 3.584 (5.76 km)
Time: One hour, ten minutes, with a three minute penalty to pick up Monkey Do from her after school program.

Not too long into it (15 minutes?), I got wicked shin splints in my right shin. Is it still "shin splints" when it's only one leg? After awhile, my shin started talking to my hip. So my shin was on fire, and my hip giving me grief.

I decided to take a leg off my plan journey, to make sure I still had enough gumption to get down to the school and back. When the time came up, instead of going forward to trim off the leg, I hooked a left and laid out some more road. I decided to cut off the next leg, which would have been the same as if I'd cut off the previous one. Only I didn't. Again.

On the way home with Monkey Do, we were meandering by the creek, and all of a sudden she starts talking about "I hear me" and calling to "me". I peek down into the creek, and there's a pair of ducks.

Monkey Do's nickname is Duck.

Total mileage since Saturday: 5.789 (9.32 km).

Transgender Cat?

Monkey Do: "Is You part boy and part girl?"

Me: "Uh... no."

SweetPea: "Yeah, he's a shim!"

My Brother is a Monster, My Sister is a Witch

My daughter doesn't undestand why this is funny.

I have no idea who she is.



Of course, his sister is a witch, but that's beside the point.

Red Ribbon Week - Creating Tomorrow's Parrots Today!

Last night on the way home from Wednesday Night Pizza, both Monkeys rode with me. We were almost home before Monkey See commented that something smells. On further inquiry, he declared that it smelled kind of like a skunk.

Ah.

So I explained to the Monkeys that it could be a skunk, or it could be pot, because pot smells kind of like skunk. In stereo I get:

"What's pot?"

Um… you know… Marijuana?

You could hear the blank stares.

Wait just a minute, I demand. Didn't y'all just have Red Ribbon Week? Didn't they tell you anything about the drugs you're supposed to be saying no to?

"Nope," pipes up Monkey Do. "They just tell us to 'Just say NO! to Drugs."

"They just tell us to wear the ribbon and decorate our lockers," adds Monkey See.

Am I the only one who sees the problem with this? If kids don't know what drugs are, what they look like, what they act like, what happens when you take them and why you shouldn't… How are they supposed to make the kind of informed, intelligent decisions that keep kids strong in the face of peer pressure? How are they supposed to know that the cigarette their buddy is handing them isn't just the nicotine that their mother swore she'd smack them for trying but actual DRUGS!

And how the freaking hell are they supposed to know that the little square of paper isn't a tongue tattoo and that it's not going to be the kind of fun they're expecting?

When did we stop trusting our kids to make intelligent decisions based on good information and their moral base (whatever that may be)? Why are we teaching them things that are potentially life-altering choices by rote and expecting them to parrot that back to us?

Being able to recite the "just say no" litany isn't going to help them when they hit junior high and high school. Peer pressure isn't dumb. Peer pressure went to the same schools and sat through the same red ribbon weeks. Peer pressure is going to figure out the sales pitch:

"But it's not drugs, Monkey Do, they're just mushrooms. Your mom wouldn't mind if you had mushrooms, would she?"

hygiene, much?

SweetPea and MonkeySee picked MonkeyDo and I up for lunch. Dinner. Whatever.

When we go there, MonkeyDo and I ran to the restroom, because she needed to potty and we both needed to wash our hands.

MonkeyDo put a teeny dollop of soap on her hands and then showed them to the water. I told her that wasn't a very good hand washing. She insisted it was.

"Smell my hands!" says she.

"Lots of things smell that aren't clean. Like poop. Poop smells a lot, and it's not clean."

My daughter can be gross, but I guess the joke's on me, because I was the one that made everyone leave because I felt like I was going to puke.

SweetPea wants to know when the baby's due.

Ha ha, SweetPea. Ha ha.

Now we can't have that!

Every night we have Monkey Do put two drinks in the freezer so that there is a frozen drink to pack in each lunch in the morning. Partly so that there is a cold drink at lunchtime, and partly to keep lunch cold and fresh.

Sunday night during the bedtime roundup, SweetPea asked Monkey Do if she’d put two drinks in the freezer. Monkey Do replied that she had. SweetPea asked her if she’d happened to notice that there were two drinks already in the freezer.

Monkey Do gave her momma that look that says, “how can grown folk be so dim?” and replied “Yes, but they’re frozen!”

It's about a girl...

Cheree lives in the sweaty armpit of Sacramento, California. In May 2010 she logged her highest weight ever – 288 pounds – despite having been a member of California Family Fitness for almost a whole year. Since then, she's amped up her workouts, taken up running and started taking her life more seriously.

Well.

As seriously as one smart ass can take life, anyway.

Getting three 5K's under her proverbial belt in 2010, Cheree plans to crank out the miles and take down longer and longer races.

Love of running?

Check and double check.

The Pit Crew


Cheree's biggest supporter is her (yes, legal) wife, SweetPea. SweetPea is starting on her own journey into a healthier lifestyle. When she's not driving, chasing Monkeys or finding the latest, greatest deal on almond milk.

MonkeySee is Cheree & SweetPea's 15 year old son, who is in high school in the International Baccalaureate Program, which means that he's much smarter than he occassionally lets on. MonkeySee has always been kind of a crotchety old man and believes there's no good reason whatsoever to be sweaty. Or in contact with dirt.

MonkeyDo is Cheree & SweetPea's 12 year old daughter. She is navigating the often cruel world of adolescent girls with a grace that only the Weird Kid with Two Moms can possibly manage. Which, like every other girl in her class, often means not that much grace at all. She is the Reigning Queen of Horse Camp, and can tell you, at any given point, whose parents love them enough to have bought them a horse.

Gomi Takaramono is a white pit bull (mix) with one blue eye and one brown eye. She's matured into a pretty good dog. Except for the barking. And the random bouts of The Stubborn.

There are also two cats (Dianne and Moo), known both collectively and individually as "Damn it!"



If you have something you think the Verbosery should know about or that you'd like us to try out, please contact Cheree by emailing: theverbosery at gmail dot com