Sunday, November 14, 2010

Thirty Days of Truth - Day 26

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Very, very few people know about this. Even some people who have been very close to me have never known how bad it got.

When I was pregnant with MonkeyDo, I became so depressed that, yes, I thought about ending my life.

It went beyond ideation. I had a plan. I had a plan that would reasonably look like an accident, so that MonkeySee would not have to grow up with a suicide for a mother.

I longed for it. I longed for release from the torment in my mind.

I knew enough not to tell anyone how bad it was because I knew where I'd end up. I don't know why that seemed so much more scary than the alternative.
In the end, obviously, I couldn't do it. I knew I'd have to face my grandmother on other side and I just couldn't bear the thought of what she'd think of me. Is that totally bizarre, or what?

Towards the end of my pregnancy, the depression eased up. When my sweet, pink, bow lipped angel was born, I felt right as rain again.

We hear so much about post-partum depression, but what about during? I'm sure the largest portion of the problem was related to hormones.

And there you go. Now you know a secret that almost nobody else ever knew.


Susan said...

you are right. what a horrible feeling to carry around inside! I am sorry that you had no one to talk to about it but am glad that your grandmother convinced you not to. (and yes, I understand...they might not be on the earth but we still strive to live up to their expectations)

Mrs. C said...

What a powerful post. I think pregnancy depression goes largely unnoticed and it's a shame because it's really more common than we like to think.
Society makes us feel that if we are not 100% in love with ourselves throughout our pregnancies, then something must be wrong with us, we must be bad.
But that's not so, we are merely human and like you said, hormonal.
So glad you didn't do it. I would love to meet you IRL someday!