Tuesday, April 13, 2010

With Apologies

I think MonkeyDo's fondest wish is for me to stop working.

She gets so excited for Furlough Fridays and so mad when it's not a Furlough Friday (they are becoming so rare).

If I'm not dressed "on time" she looks at me hopefully and asks if I'm staying home.

I'm not sure why she likes it so much when I stay home. She still goes to school. The only difference, really, is that I'm the one seeing her off.

I guess I can't say that I blame her.

It's not that I don't like my job.

It's really more that this is just not what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I see empty retail and office space and my heart just pines for space of my own.

I have a sketch of a vision. A rough draft.

It's the getting there that perplexes me.

Like a kid with a treasure map that's just the "X".

Maybe it's that I'm scared.

Maybe I'm too lazy or not ambitious enough.

Maybe it's that all my pieces are squares and I'm not sure how to fit them together to make the picture.

I am afraid of letting go.

I am afraid of moving forward.

I am terrified of walking away from life as I know it when I'm not entirely sure how to get to life as I want it.

So now what?

PS: Things are a little odd right now. I feel like everything that was "normal" is up in the air, open to interpretation, subject to change without notice. I feel like I have the power - right now - to rework everything. And I'm not entirely sure where to start or what to do. My posts will probably be a little angsty and random for awhile. I'll try to make up for it with pretty pictures.

1 comment:

loki's Dad said...

Well, rather than thinking large (opening a brick and mortar retail space right now, probably bad timing) think semi-large. What about setting up a booth in some of the farmers markets or craftie markets in your are? My cousins make jewelry, and I think most if not all of their sales and income comes from street fairs during the summer months.