Thursday, December 17, 2009

Pot Meet Kettle

Here are some things you totally didn't know you wanted to know, even though you totally wanted to know and just didn't know it*:

1. We ventured into the WalMart of Tacky Christmas Tree fame last night, only to discover that not only was the black tree with red lights sold out, so were all of the black ornaments. I told SweetPea that I guess you have to move fast when you're Emo. To which MonkeySee replied "I'm not emo, but I liked that tree because it reminded me of evil." Yes, my son, MonkeySee, who is about as evil as a wet fart.

I guess I should just be thankful that none of his face is covered by scalp hair.

2. Speaking of which... When I drop him off in the mornings, there's this kid walking down the street as I'm leaving. I have no idea what gender this kid is or claims or whathaveyou, but the point of my story here is that this kid wears all black (plus light colored sneakers), including a black hoody. The kids keeps the hood up and head down, and, with the exception of the mouth & chin, the entire rest of this kid's face is covered with dark hair. It's like this walking black shape with a chin and sneakers.

Now, I know I caught all kinds of grief for the way my hair hung in my face, but it was the '90's and most of my face still showed. Including both of my eyes. Usually.

I'm just saying.

3. Back to WalMart, though. As we were traipsing through the aisles, headed back out of the store (empty handed, if you must know), we came around a corner and found ourselves in an aisle with a couple of other dykes. I think there were four altogether, shopping together for whatever housewares. An interesting thing happened as they started taking notice of us and at least one stopped dead in her tracks and stood there staring, gape-mouthed. Maybe she thinks they were the only dykes in the whole, wide world? I don't know, but it was amusing to me. And kind of strange.

Things that are not unusual: a) seeing other lesbians randomly in the community; b) being on the receiving end of the furtive stares & whispers, or the flat out slack jawed gaping; c) nobody saying anything! Not even that knowing head-nod acknowledgement. Even though they are clearly excited about seeing "others" "in the wild".


And to clarify, we^ have done the introducing ourselves thing, and have had mixed results. Mixed as in "no response" and "cool for awhile, then randomly batshit crazy". Oh. I bet that's why nobody else does it, either, right?

Why are lesbians so crazy?

4. Speaking of crazy lesbians and WalMart... Did I ever tell you about this one time when SweetPea and I were at a WalMart, and were wandering around separately, and there was a small pack of young pup lesbians (probably in the 19 - 21 range). They were doing the cluster/whisper/giggle thing and kept wandering around the underwear area. Finally they settled in a bra aisle and were clustered together, whispering and squeal/giggling - you know, that whole thing girls do when they're embarrassed by something that's really no big deal. Like having tits and needing a bra~.

It was about this point when SweetPea found me and we rounded up and headed back out the van. Once we were in the privacy of our vehicle, I told her about the whole thing, and also told her that I had thought about going over there and offering assistance, since, clearly, they were having issues choosing. This is the point where SweetPea's eyeballs just about popped out of her head and then she gave me a look that was all "are you absofuckinglutely batshit?". Then she clued me in that the part of the conversation she overheard included them discussing how "hot" they thought I was.

Which, apparently, would have made them actually perish from mortification had I offered assistance with the titgear.

My bad.

In closing, let me just say: lesbians are fucking weird, dude.

*You heard me.

^And by "we" I mean "SweetPea". Obviously.

~I also don't understand women who are embarrassed about buying condoms. Hello? Slap them puppies down on the counter because you are getting laid and there's nothing wrong with that.

No comments: