When Stubborn Isn't Enough

Almost three weeks ago, SweetPea and I joined a gym. Fitness center? Whatever. That big place with all the exercise equipment and the showers.

You know.

Since then, I've been going almost every morning before work. I started small, 20 minutes on the treadmill, and gradually increased either the speed or the time. Last week, I added this thing after having my ass handed to me by the elliptical. So now I'm up to 10 minutes on the steppy thing and 32 minutes at 2.7 mph on the treadmill.

And then I fall down and die.

OK, maybe not.

With our membership, we're supposed to get three sessions with a personal trainer. And there's totally a part of me that scoffs at that. But, also, I know that there's a ton of things I could (and should) be doing that I'm not because I don't know what I should do and, frankly, there's a lot that I have no idea even how to properly use.

Like... Why are there so many different kinds of steppy things? Like this. Is that different than the elliptical or the other steppy thing? If they're all different, which steppy thing should I be using?

Although I have to say that it makes me giggle that they have a stair climber thing that's actually stairs - like a little escalator. How cute is that?

So, you know... In a way I kind of feel like a moron, but, also, I know I'm doing so much more than I was doing, and I'm not letting anything settle to the point where it feels easy because even if I didn't already know that's the wrong answer, I have WineDog to nag me to do it longer and harder and this is starting to sound not even a little bit like what I'm talking about.

And, of course, I get frustrated. My weight has been going up and not down, my clothes don't feel like they're fitting differently, and, hi!, I'm spending most days feeling tired and achey and my joints feel gummy. What the heck is that about? Isn't there supposed to be a perk in there somewhere?

Well, ok. My hair has turned out really fabulously the last couple of days. I'm not sure how that's connected, but I'm not going to look a good hair day in the mouth, either.

For those of you who don't live in my head, a big part of my impetus for doing all of this is because I didn't feel strong anymore. It used to be that, yes, I'm fat, but I'm still strong, so suck it. And then I slowly stopped doing as much, and I started noticing that I was slowly starting to not be able to do as much.

Like going up the stairs at work. I would still do it, but it became a game. The goal of the game was to see if I could get all the way up the stairs before my joints figured out what I was doing. This week, by the way, I've been failing that game spectacularly.

Then there was that day in Berkeley where we walked to lunch. Everyone who jokes about grandpa walking to school uphill both ways? I guarantee you that happened in Berkeley. Talk about having your ass handed to you!

And I may be fat, and I may not be in the best shape, but I am a whole lot of stubborn and it really bothered me when I couldn't do something. Or when I could do it, but it kicked my ass harder than was reasonable.

So I try not to give the frustration too much real estate in my daily mental wanderings.

Because it's not about losing weight or "getting thin" or "looking my best" (*gag*).

It's about being stronger, and being able to do more, and shutting up that voice in my head that starts whining as soon as I get on the steppy thing, and finding out how hard I can push myself and then pushing myself harder.

And not feeling as guilty about my Zingers habit*.

Heh.


*Yeah, ok, so I'm joking. I've only had Zingers that one time in the last month or so. But I totally wouldn't mind if someone brought me a package right now. Nom nom nom.