Saturday, February 16, 2008

An Open Letter to Hair Stylists

Dear Hair Stylists of America,

The Inverted Bob has got to stop.

It's bad enough the A-Line Bob is still around and "hot" after all these freaking years. Do you have to inflict this new nonsense on us?

I finally forgave y'all over the Bad Streaks Fad, and I am finally at a point where I do not feel the overwhelming urge to scream "Bad streaks! Bad streaks!" and some poor, unsuspecting woman who has them.

The Inverted Bob, for those of you who don't know, is really kind of like a severe A-Line. So the hair around your face is about chin length, and the hair at the back of your head is so short that it's basically just a bunch of really short layers.

Done well on someone who can wear it, it doesn't look that bad. Well, except for the part about A-Lines being "hot" for, what, over a decade now and really, really need to be retired.

Done poorly on, frankly, just about any non-Hollywood-celebrity and it looks...


Remember the movie Sixteen Candles?

Remember the part where the Hunkie Guy's Bitchy Girlfriend is all drunk at the party, and she's at the bedroom door whining at him for some reason, but all he wants to do is call the Hot Redheaded Girl so he slams the door on Bitchy Girlfriend, only she had the back of her head right there so her hair is now trapped in the door which is shut and she's drunk and whiney. And then along comes Geeky Guy who does what geeky guys do and Fixes The Problem by grabbing a pair of scissors and cutting her free.

Remember that?

That, my friends, is an Inverted Bob.

And all I want to know is who the hell thought this would be a good idea for a hairdo?

See? Even Bitchy Girlfriend is shocked and horrified when she ends up with the 'do!

Do you not see this when you are looking at these poor sheep who have come in asking you to make them look like Posh Spice or that one rapper/singer/whateversheis?

You are making these people look like there's been a tragic accident involving a doorway and a pair of large gardening shears and you are, probably, making loads of money and pushing this damn haircut for all it's worth.

Please, for the love of all that is holey, can you at least consider pushing these poor lemmings into a haircut that actually flatters them?

I'm guessing that, once they've figured out how much hotter you've made them look than if you just gave them the Posh Cut, you'll have a client for life and probably your weight in referrals.

I also want to say that while I was looking for pictures to post for y'all, I ran across this little blog offering. I have no idea who these people are, but I have this to say:

5. Pixie Cut - Neither of those pictures show a hair style that is cute or flattering to the wearer. In fact, that blonde haired picture... Well, that poor girl looks like she belongs in the Sound of Music. WTF is up with that outfit?

4. Long Layers - OK, yeah. Hot. Totally not new, though - much like the A-Line.

3. Shoulder Length - Neither of those pictures are flattering. Does Kelly Clarkson actually look like that? Because that's too bad. As for the actual "hair style" of "shoulder length", I really couldn't tell you. Maybe if they posted better pictures.

2. Inverted Bob - Please, god, make. It. Stop.

1. Bangs - Will bangs ever not be in? Does that one girl have any idea how much she looks like Shannon Doherty right there? Can we please stop acting like bangs are some hot new thing?

Dear hair stylists, I know y'all have the training and the know-how to give these women a haircut that will actually flatter them, instead of just being the next lemming on the Bad Haircut Bus.

Please use your skills for good, not evil.

That's all I'm asking.

And a P.S. to all y'all... If you're in the Sacramento area and you need a great stylist, let me know, I'll hook you up.


Gruppie Girl said...

My mummy with straight, thin hair got so fed-up with my thick, curly hair that she once gave me a Dorothy Hamily haircut.

Great for Dorothy. Not so great for 6th grade, already insecure me.

What a scary memory.

dolphyngyrl said...

I had stick straight hair all the way up to the summer before 7th grade. I was starting a new school, and wanted a new haircut. There was this ad in Seventeen Magazine featuring a beautiful Asian lady with gorgeous hair with very short layers that made a perfect jagged frame around her face.

Well, you know, I had straight hair, too, so that would be perfect, right?

My poor, sweet stylist stopped about halfway through and told me that I'd end up looking like Farrah Fawcett if he continued with the haircut as requested. He salvaged what he could but I was still horrified when I realized what I was left with. Thank goodness banana clips were in!

It would take me about two full years before I finally figured out how to embrace my inner curly girl and then that stylist was my best friend until I finally lost track of him (he moved a lot, and I have never been big on frequent hair cuts).

By the way, my mom, also, has thin, straight hair!