Friday, December 28, 2007

The Fat Girl

A forum on a site I belong to led to some introspection about a topic near and.... Well, ok, maybe just near to my heart.


In particular, fat in relation to me, personally.

You see, I'm a fat girl. I've been "fat" for quite a few years, now, but I am currently at my highest weight ever. Ever. I am even heavier than I was while gestating either of my children.

For the most part, this doesn't bother me on an aesthetic level. I don't feel like I need to be a size 2 or 4 or 6 to "fit in" or be attractive. I don't feel like I'm too fat to be "hot". In fact, SweetPea thinks I couldn't be hotter if I tried, and it's hard to beat that logic when she's the only one I'd be interested in impressing.

Sometimes, though, it really does bother me. Part of this is because I simply don't "see" the fat, ordinarily, so when it catches me by surprise, it can kind of be a shock to realize just how big I am. And I hate pictures of me. OK, not all pictures. But it's so hard for me to see a picture of me and like it. The sad thing is that most of the ones I truly hate are probably the most honest about how I really look.


The real issues I have about being fat are not relative to how society dictates I should feel about being fat.

Because of my weight, my joints are carrying way more than they were really designed to bear. I'm in pain a lot because of this. I have less stamina than I used to, even when I was fat but not as fat. I'm tired all the time because I don't sleep well and because I just don't have the energy that I used to. I don't sleep well because I can't ever really get comfortable and because my weight makes me snore way more than I did otherwise and has aggravated what is more than likely a good case of sleep apnea.

I feel like crap a lot and a lot of this has to do with the weight I carry around.

I also have a huge issue with clothes. The things I like are not always made in my size. Or they are, but are more expensive than "normal" clothes. They almost never fit right, anyway. Even shoes are an issue for me because they have to fit a certain way, have a certain type of heel, and be shaped a certain way for them to look good on me and not kill me in the process.

Shopping is frustrating and expensive and, all too often, such a damn let-down.

Because I don't cotton too well to resolutions, I am making a goal for myself:

Eat less. Move more.

That's it. That simple.

I'm not making a "weight-loss goal" because it's not about how much I lose. Hell, even if it were, it's been so long since I haven't been "fat" that I'm not even sure what would actually be healthy for me. I also know that the key to my success will have to be building up some significant muscle. Muscle weighs more than fat, so I may very well weigh more but be slimmer. Who knows?

Who cares?

Eat less. Move more.

(and don't get frustrated because it's not going to "work" right away)

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