Thursday, November 26, 2009

Totally Tacky is Just Right

I was going to make today's post a gratitude list of everything I'm grateful for this year.

And then I decided screw that! So I'm posting an ode to Tacky Christmas.

If you've been around long enough, you know that my favorite Christmas tree is a tacky as hell blue lawn tree. A couple of years back, it went to the big Tacky Christmas Tree Lot in the Sky. While retailers have the same tree with white lights and with multicolor lights, I have never since found the same tree with just blue lights.

Every year the search continues for a tacky ass Christmas tree worthy of replacing Big Blue*.

A couple of days ago, we found this at KMart:

Stark white? Now that's a good start. Is it me, or is this Very 50's?

Unfortunately, this was the tackiest of the bunch, so we moved on to WalMart, where we hit the Motherload.

No. Really.

Let's start with the ultimate Tribute to Tacky, the Gold Lame Christmas Tree:

No, really, that's a shiny gold tree with gold lights already installed. Swank.

Just down the display was this fabulous tree:

I'm not sure I can accurately describe the color of the tree. It was more purple than burgundy, but it was a very dark, not quite black, purple/burgundy color. I'm betting WineDog could name it if she saw it in person. Surely this is a Very Wine Color. I believe the pre-installed lights were white, but they may have been pink.

Finally we have a Trio of Tacky:

Baby Blue, Baby Pink and (I shit you not) Black with Red Lights

Dude, and they're only $15 each. You could totally make a Shrine of Tacky and how awesome would that be? Seriously, if my house had a living room like this, I would totally build a Tacky fucking Christmas Shrine. And the world would rejoice. Or not.

You could decorate your Tacky Tree with these special Emotastic Christmas Bulbs:

No lie, those are black Christmas Bulbs.

Come on, now. Tacky is one thing. "I cry myself to sleep" is quite another.

And because we're not quite done with the tacky, wouldn't this be spectacular in a grouping in your home?

*Yes, we have a Christmas tree. We might have two. Um. Or three. They're all out in the back room, so I don't know for sure. They are all the "realistic" kind. Let me rephrase: the inexpensive "realistic" kind. There are approximately three levels of the "realistic" artificial tree: expensive & actually realistic, inexpensive and vaguely realistic with enough lights & decorations and you squint just right, and Totally Cheap and In No Way Realistic Whatsoever. Only that last one counts as tacky, and it's not the one we have. While I am grateful that we have a Christmas tree at all, I would really prefer to have a Super Tacky Christmas Tree. Because it brings my evil little heart such joy.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all. Thanks for putting up with my crazy ass.


D.Suplicki said...

Awesomely tacky finds! A happy thanksgiving to you too!

Loki's Dad said...

I totally want that purple tree. I'm sure they call it "merlot," but I believe it's "ripple."