Thursday, April 09, 2009

What's Going On

There's been something going on in our lives, an ongoing issue we've been dealing with that is coming to a head in the near future.

Because of this issue, I've found myself thrust into the mire of self-doubt - that ugly place where I question myself constantly and find it hard to trust or believe in myself.

I'd actually gotten pretty good at rolling with the punches. Everything has been going so well, and I've been feeling so confident and well-balanced that, even when problems came up, I was able to deal with them and continue moving forward.

Now I've got this ugly, nasty thing sitting on my chest that feels like it's gnawing on my soul and is certainly sapping my self-confidence.

It's reaching out its ugly claws and trying to spread its poison into every aspect of my life, making me doubt, question, second guess.

I've been struggling to get back to that place where I feel like things are ok, and I can trust in myself and the decisions I make. Where I feel confident that I am looking at the bigger picture and making decisions based on what's right, what needs to be done, and what will move me down the path I need to be on.

The hardest part is that part of me that wonders if maybe it's true.

When people that you once trusted and cared about say things about you that are, at best, unflattering but more so downright demonizing, especially when it's been a common theme among people who have been in your life who have felt the need to lash out in the cruelest ways after leaving your life, well, sometimes, in that dark place of self-doubt, you maybe start to wonder if they're not on to something.

Maybe they're right.

There's still that part of me that thinks my problem is closer to having spent too much time and energy on people incapable of letting a relationship go like grown ups. Everyone has those flaws and parts of themselves that they know aren't perfect, right? But what kind of person digs those apart from everything else, wraps them in hate & bile and then flings them back at their source?

I know these things are not my issue. I know that the hate flung at me is the by-product of issues that have nothing to do with me, that I am just the most convenient target.

It's just been hard to get back to the point where I can separate myself from it and move forward again.

I need to meditate.

I need to re-center.

I need to sit with my ear against the pounding heart of the world.

Hhhmmm.... I do believe I have an idea.

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