Friday, February 20, 2009

Scorch Marks

One of the hardest parts of friendship for me is the sharing.

I've been burned so many times in different ways that I am really cautious about sharing with people more than superficially.

I've been laughed at, had things thrown back at me or used against me, had people share things that were told to them in confidence, or just plain walk away while still holding my heart and all its contents.

I feel like I need to trust people more, give them the benefit of the doubt, learn to open up more.

And then I get burned again and wonder what the hell I could have been thinking to open myself up like that.

Every time it happens I feel myself locking away more. Sharing less. Every time it happens it's someone I thought I could trust. Someone I thought I could share with and not end up regretting having done so.

I wonder if I'm supposed to be learning to trust people even while being fully aware that it may well go wrong. Or if I'm supposed to be learning to just not let anyone in at all.

I don't know.

What I do know is that I've been burned again, and I'm feeling rather raw and exposed.

And I have no idea where to go from here.

1 comment:

Dawn on MDI said...

Hmmm. Sometimes it seems like the longer we know a person the worse we allow them to treat us. Longevity of acquaintance is not a license to be disrespectful or mean. We let relatives treat us in ways that we'd have co-workers fired for. We let friends harass us in ways that we'd slap a stranger for attempting.

I do less of that now. I have decided that life is too short and that I do not have time in my life for people who will not treat me with respect and dignity. I try to treat everyone else that way, but I'll take nobody's cast-offs or second-hand shit.

I bet you can think of other friends who have not treated you badly. Perhaps you should focus your efforts and attention on nurturing the relationships that nurture you.