My cat is a candy ass

We have two cats. Officially they are Me and You, but are most often referred to as Gimpy and Superfat (alternatively fatty, fatty boombalaty). They are indoor cats. Me because he is a gimp and would likely not be able to protect himself or get out of the way of oncoming traffic. You because he's a candy ass and has no street smarts what so ever. (Yes, I jest, because, as far as I'm concerned, cats are inside pets, period.) You is utterly fascinated with "outside" and has snuck his fat ass out the door on a number of occassions. He goes out the front door at a bolt, gets to the driveway and then hides under the truck. I'm convinced that's as far as he's thought ahead and he has no idea what to do next. When he goes out the back... OK, I have no idea what he does. All I know is that's dangerous, what with the giant Akita back there that probably sees the fat cat as another snuggle toy. Just like the cat sized rats she kills. I do know that he comes back covered in stickers and very very loving and snuggly. Like "omg, you cannot believe the horrors that I have seen. Please comfort me and tell me everything will be ok and I never have to leave my cosy house ever ever again."

My cat is a candy ass.

My cat has a "friend", though. The unfixed orange male cat next door, Pumpkin, who was the father of our gypsy kittens. (by the way, you have no idea how thrilled I am that the people next door own two unfixed cats that they allow to roam the neighborhood at will)

Pumpkin likes to come over and sit on the storage thingie outside our office window and visit You. I  mean, I guess that's what he's doing. I've caught him there, and SweetPea has said that he will sit there and yowl and yowl and when she pokes her head through the blinds he looks at her and yowls.

This morning Pumpkin was sitting in his spot while You was in the window. I figured this out after hearing You growl and growl. His tail was flicking angrily and he was making all these weird noises. It's possible he may not know how to growl correctly. I have no idea what his issue is. Or, for that matter, why Pumpkin keeps coming for visits when You just makes mean at him. Maybe that's fun for Pumpkin. Kind of like sometimes watching stupid politicy bullshit go down when it doesn't affect you is fun.

I'm sure that if I tossed You outside when Pumpkin was out there he'd probably pee himself with fright. Because, dude... My cat's a candy ass. He only ever fights with Me, who's a gimp.

Even though he's a big fat candy ass, he's still my cat and I love him. Now that it's gotten colder again he's started sleeping on my head. Which would work out a lot better for him if he'd quit flicking SweetPea in the face with his tail.